1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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