So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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