He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
