Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We are all done wearing pants today
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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