whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
