my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
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he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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