She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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