I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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