it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
