Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
