he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
