I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
