my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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