we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
