I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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