Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
