I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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