I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
