ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
