rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
