So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
