you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
tell me about the fingering
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