I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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