I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
