You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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