just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
