WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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