I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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