No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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