the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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