I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
