They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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