My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
