Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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