I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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