Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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