i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
