so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
