Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
