So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
