I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
