I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
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Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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