when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
