I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this will be a night to untag.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
