Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
