I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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