Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
