He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
