I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
