tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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