Only a mothe r could love this liver
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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