I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
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I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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