well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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