Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
