then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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