things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
honey bunches of taint.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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