I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
